I’ve long deleted the message, but a few years ago I was told via a text from someone I thought I was close to that I had no accomplishments of my own, so I was hanging on to those made by others as if they were mine. In reality, I was extremely happy for this person’s accomplishment, but I had touched a deep-rooted nerve with this person in the way I chose to show my happiness for the achievement.
It stung. I know it was meant to sting. And a few years later, it still stings at times, if I let it. Because I can be super sensitive at times, hypercriticisms like that tend to stick in my mind, making me think I am nothing at times. Things spoken in anger or annoyance fester until they bring me down.
I start thinking things in my head that may be untrue, because, well, I tend to OVER think things:
I need to just learn to shut up and sit down since no one will ever care about anything I do. I will never be good enough to have anything I want, let alone everything I desire. No one cares about what I do. Why bother working for anything if it doesn’t matter?
It’s in those moments that I try to sing the opening lines to one of my favorite songs:
“I keep fighting voices in my mind that say I’m not enough. Every single lie that tells me I will never measure up. Am I more than just the sum of every high and every low? Remind me once again just who I am because I need to know.”Lauren Daigle “You Say”
I have spent the last year working on making those kind of thoughts disappear, finding beauty in the small things, finding my happiness and creativity again, but still sometimes, in my darker moments, they are still there. Those darker moments though have become less as I work on finding my inner peace.
Tapping back into writing has helped with that a great deal.
I write the darker moments and all of my feelings into my stories. When my characters show self doubt, it’s because I have felt it. When my characters are scared, it’s because I have been there. When they are proud of what they have accomplished, I am too. Every feeling of every story I have ever written is truly me. It’s the way I have to write it.
I’ve come to realize that I can only write my own story. I also know that in others’ stories, I am not the heroine. I know I am a villain to some. I know I am just a throwaway to others. And I am slowly realizing that I am okay with that. It’s what their story needs.
I’ve also come to realize that I am happy. If anything, this past year has shown me that I truly do have accomplishments. Despite the pandemic and the stresses from it, I have done a great deal to make myself happy.
I changed jobs, finding one that allows me to have a better opportunity and a better work environment (not to mention time to let my creativity blossom). I have written two novels and started a third one. I have written twelve novellas. Out of those fifteen works, I have published one novel and five novellas so far – I am working on the others as I type this. This on top of keeping this blog going and doing my research for my own personal history blog and my genealogy-related stuff, which is also recognized by several historical libraries and societies.
I have done much in this past year. But looking back, I have realized that over my lifetime, I have accomplished so much more…. things that matter to me, even if they don’t matter to others. I have many accomplishments, but that doesn’t mean I won’t stop sharing others as well.
I’ve learned that no one can strip you of your achievements unless you let them. Be proud of what you have done, whether it is get a doctorate in science or just got out of bed that morning despite not feeling like it. Take pride in what you have done, little, big, or everywhere in between. that it is no one else’s job to make you happy as well. Just as it’s not your job to make someone else happy.
After all, we all have to write our own story. It’s what we’re meant to do.
If you liked this blog post and wanted to see some of the fantasy works I have written, check out my Portals Series. If you are interested in my other online endeavors, check out the drop down menu.
And as always, #writeyourownstory