Anyone who knows me knows that though I am a goofy magical person that tries to march to the beat of her own drum, I also am very much a rule follower. The issue is that I tend to follow a bunch of rules that only make sense in my own head, rules that have been crafted by other people’s expectations of me.
I know. I know. I shouldn’t craft myself to follow other people’s expectations. But I have and I recognize that.
For instance…. I hate making people wait for me. It stems from having been yelled at almost constantly by impatient family members when I stopped to look at something that caught my eye on a walk or shopping. I got lost at Disneyland as a child because I remember wanting to watch one of the characters watch by as we were walking across the park and my father berated me for not keeping up when he finally found me. It became ingrained in my head that I couldn’t stop to look at what I wanted, but instead had to focus on the needs and wants of others. This rule is why I do a number of the solo adventures I wrote about last week. I like the freedom of being able to stop and watch a hawk fly or whatever else catches my fancy. I love not just wondering “where does that little path go?” but figuring it out as well without having to make others wait for me. I love the freedom of being able to change my mind and not have to deal with the impatience of others in the process.
But I am also learning to take time for myself even in the presence of others. The other half has patiently reminded me that what I want is also important and reminds me he is not rushing me often. The friends I do adventure with often let me take a peek at what’s over the hill or even suggest great things to look at. They even suggest places for me to pose the Squisheys in photo opportunities while out on adventures. And even though there is thay nagging feeling that I am being “too slow and not keeping up” or “can’t have my head in the clouds”…. I am deconstructing the idea that what I want to do isn’t important. I am learning that my time is just as important and what I want to do or say or enjoy does matter and I should have that time to enjoy it with others around me.
I also learned that just because it is not important to those who I thought should care, it’s not important at all. “No one cares about that!” was shouted at me frequently by those I was supposed to love. I learned to hide myself away and enjoy what i do in secret. My writings were deemed silly. My love of unicorns….infantile. My desire to belt out silly songs….. annoying. When I chatted about an event in history that became a hyper-fixation….. I was told it didn’t matter.
Others have shown me time and time again that my adventures, my stories, my goofiness, my magic, my photos… all of it does matter. And over time, I am deconstructing that voice in my head. “No one cares!!!!!” has become “that person does not care” and I try to not let it bother me as much. That event in history (the Hatfield Pennsylvania Train Wreck of 1900) I am considered one of the experts on now. Friends comment about my videos and photos. I have become an inspiration to others to find magic in the moments even in the mundanity of life. I hold on to those achievements in the midst of the cacophony inside my own head.
There are other rules in my head as well. I over explain things because I was yelled at in the past when I didn’t explain myself thoroughly enough and don’t want it to happen again. I over analyze everything because I didn’t think about this outcome or that one while making a decision and it turned out badly. I do my best not to make mistakes because the mistakes I have made turned out to be mountains instead of molehills in others’ minds. I care too much about what others think because I was conditioned to always anticipate what others would say and now I store it all in my head. I am learning to take a step back and give myself as much patience as I do others. I am learning that I don’t need to overexplain. I am learning to let things go and speak out about the things that matter the most to me.
These are all rules I am working on deconstructing. I am learning to fly free of them while also embracing them as a part of me.
Why am I posting all of this? Because I know I am not alone in these thought processes. I am not alone on this journey. These struggles are ones we all face and we all have to conquer. And typing it out so I can re-read it in the moments were the “no one cares” and the “hurry up” and the “why does it matter so much to you” feel like they are drowning my brain helps too. These struggles are as much a part of my story as anything else. If it were not for them, I would take for granted the magic and light, love and hope, joy and peace and even the beauty of the moments of clarity I get by deconstructing these rules I have set for myself.
Stay magical, friends. Write your own story.
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K. S. Wood Writes 