Grace enough

Every time I make a mistake or don’t think fast enough on my feet or do anything that I perceive may be a slight to someone else, I hear it in my head. That negative voice. The one only I can hear, that rears its ugly head any time I do something imperfectly.

“Why didn’t you do it that way? It was obvious to anyone else! You’re dumb. You’re stupid. You’ll never be good enough. No one wants to listen to what you have to say, so why bother saying it?”

If you are like me, you hear that negative voice every time you do something wrong. If I trip on the sidewalk, I hear my voice telling me I need to pick my feet up and watch where I am going. If I misspell a word while writing, I hear the voice asking me what’s wrong with me. If I only half pay attention to someone talking to me, I hear the voice yelling at me to focus and stop daydreaming, even if other things are demanding my attention instead. And instead of telling that voice to shut up, I listen to it. I internalize what it tells me, even as it is already an internal voice. And I continue to let it yell at me.

I need to learn to give myself some grace.

Look in any dictionary and you will find that there are many definitions for the word grace. The ones that apply, at least in my opinion, to this post are the following:

• “a disposition to or an act or instance of kindness, courtesy, or clemency…. a reprieve”
• “a mercy or pardon” – incidentally, this is considered an archaic use of the word
• “courteous goodwill”

Most of us have the grace to forgive others when they do us wrong. Most of us can let the mistakes of others go by. Some of us have learned to live and let live with some behaviors and attitudes from others because there is no way we can change them. We give others the grace to take the time they need to do the things they must. We have given others grace as part of our own system of beliefs.

But how many of us are also forgiving ourselves for our mistakes? How many of us allow ourselves any time for ourselves? How many of us grant ourselves grace for behaviors we have done in the past and have learned to let go? How many of us learn to grant ourselves any grace at all?

“Amazing grace, I feel you coming up slowly now….. Like the sun is risin’, heat on my face…..Oh love that keeps on shinin’, don’t let the shadow come….Ya know I gotta feel your healin’ rays.”

~ Jars of Clay, “Amazing Grace”. Song written by Rob Simonsen

So dear readers, I beg you. Learn to change the voices that are inside of your head. Learn to give yourself the courteous goodwill, a reprieve from the vitriol, a pardon if you will. Learn to let the healing love of self-grace wash over you. After all, forgiving oneself is just as magical as forgiving others, and is part of the story of life we all write. At least, it is if we chose it to be.

Make it part of yours.

I know I am going to try.

Stay magical. Write your own story.

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