Urgings

Sometimes I want to write but don’t know what I want to write and I feel like I write drivel. Sometimes it is pure drivel and I ball it up and throw it away or spend time deleting what I have typed so that it is cut away, never to return. But sometimes that drivel turns to words that are beautifully written and brutally honest all at the same time.

Other times, I know exactly what I want to write, and I sit at my computer or with pen and paper in my hand and just pour words out. Sometimes I have spent hours just typing away at the computer.

It’s taken years to share some of these words with people. But I press on, writing away on my computer and countless blogs on various platforms that never make it past drafts.

I carry on constant thoughts in my head. Sometimes it’s tiring, always having a running commentary in my head, always making connections with what I see and do, always having these thoughts that I want to put down on paper but can’t because of inopportune times. But I have become accustomed to it. I am always thinking. I am always feeling. I am always wondering if the words will come out right when they come out on paper or by speech.

Like the line from the Lindsey Stirling/Andrew McMahon song Something Wild states : “The way you see the world…. it got you this far….”

Sometimes those words are pure poetry and music, singing to me and begging to be released on to paper. Other times, they are words of self doubt and negative and I have to fight to get them out of my head.

Yesterday was a self-doubt day. I have them. I try to think on the positive, but they are there nevertheless. I push on, trying to do my best and be my best and write as well as I can, even when there is that voice that is overly critical in my head telling me I am not good enough, that no one cares, that it’s pointless to keep writing.

Even in those days, good things happen. I may not have written much yesterday because I was fighting with my negative voice, but I connected with friends and caught up on their lives. I was paid a compliment about my writing anyway. And I got through the day. I am continuing to write my own story.

Today will be a better day.