Normally I’d be writing what I call my “sermon reflection” today. But since I skipped church last week due to needing a mental and physical break and never watched the video about it (sorry Pastor Travis!), I don’t have some witty wonderful writing for you about doing unto other and working kindness or love or whatever else.
And since last night I did not sleep well, my mind today is kind of fried. But here I am, typing away at a blog post nevertheless since it’s Thursday and I’ve got some thinking to do.
Insomnia is a pain in the ass. I suffer from it on occasion. That inability to sleep while your other half snores away next to you and two of the three feline overlords make their little noises while they either make biscuits on the pillows above my head or nap in the bed on my nightstand…… yeah, that was last night. I spent two hours curled up under the covers (since it was too cold to get up) trying to will my mind to shut up enough to go to sleep. But anxiety rears its ugly head and the what if scenarios that play out in my mind in the dark are things that some nightmares are made of.
Self doubt plays a big part of that. I hear the voices in my head, the throwaway comments people have said to me that something deep within me just seems to latch on to.
“You aren’t good enough.”
“No one cares.”
“Why do you even bother?”
“You think you are important, huh?”
Those words ring out in the darkness, playing with my mind in ways that I cannot being to comprehend when its daylight. They tell me I shouldn’t try. They tell me lots of things. And they come out when I least expect it. It doesn’t help when I look at things like my sales on my books and see the big fat zeros that reign month after month, or the yo-yoing reach I get on my social medias that make me feel like I am not making a difference.
But then, there are the glimmers. The little comments that remind me that I am not alone in this self-doubt struggle. The gifts from friends. The people who comment on these blog posts and take a chance on the stories I have written. The ones who keep asking me “made progress on that story you’re writing?” and then chuckle when I ask “which one?” The ones who ask me for extras of my business cards so they can share with their fellow readers or spread them around. The friends who just keep me going even when I feel like I am falling flat.
Even the sunlight that shines in through the office windows now reminds me that those ugly voices in the darkness are merely just shades meant to bring a bit of fear. That darkness isn’t a place to reside, but a moment where the magic is obscured, a passing season, a place only where my mind needs to visit. There still is work to be done, stories to write and a grand adventure waiting to be had.
So onward I go, just as we all should. As Aragorn shouts in The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King: “IT IS NOT THIS DAY!” As Peter Pan/Banning reminds Granny Wendy in the movie Hook: “To live… to live would be an awfully big adventure.” And as all of my Portals Series characters would remind you “This is MY story”…. And I will keep working on it, even when I feel like throwing in the towel in the middle of the night in the darkness. Because this magic needs to be made, and love, joy, peace and hope will be found even in the midst of the moments of doubt and loathing and anxiety. This story needs to keep going and this little light of mine needs to shine.
Stay magical, friends.
Write your own story.
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K. S. Wood Writes 
Sorry that your awake moments occur in this way. I too am awake a lot, I only ever get 4 – 5 hours sleep these days, but I don’t suffer from the feelings of self-doubt. I’ve accepted that I don’t sell much by way of my books, but there are worse things in the world. I spend the time reading on my phone, or if I have a writing idea I’ll make notes on my phone, be it for book or blog. I’ll do sudoku puzzles, catch up on social media notifications – and eventually I’ll feel tired enough to doze again for a while. I hope you can lose the bad thoughts – we’re all who we are, and worthy/good enough/whatever you want to call it. Stay safe and look after you, because you matter. 🙂
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I to wake in the night and my mind goes places it shouldn’t. Mostly to the past, or to something I said to someone, or that I did and so wish I hadn’t. We are harder on ourselves by let these things intrude our thoughts. I have been working on different coping skills at night to help….this is still in the working out phase or in process. I hope your writing will help you. Stay magical
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In the dark of the night, in the slow times, in the lonely times….satan uses those little demon seeds to keep you down and disheartened. Shine the light of truth on them and kick their sorry butts to the curb!
You ARE more than enough!
More people care than you will ever know!
You make a difference!
Stay magical and keep writing your story! (any and all of them!) 💞
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