Selfishness

“You are being selfish.”

That was something I heard said to me recently when I set a boundary. I was expected by someone to do something I didn’t want to do, and when I chose not to do it and even offered them a compromise, they lashed out and said I was a bad person for setting a boundary and choosing my own mental health over their wants.

I will admit, it made me feel as though I should have caved. But instead, I took a step back, took a breath (and a few days to think) and stood my ground. While this person was displeased and still refuses to speak to me (which is no big loss really), I have learned that I don’t have to cater to the whims of others if it means I lose a part of myself in the process. I have learned that being selfish sometimes is in the eye of the beholder.

From early on, I had internalized that being “selfish” is a bad thing and that being a “good person” meant that I had to be a doormat for others’ whims and desires. I was expected to give up what I had… my time, my energy, my possessions, even my mental health… just to placate others time and time again. Their needs and wants had to come first, even when they were being entitled. Over the course of my lifetime, I have been taught by circumstances that asking for things for myself or voicing my desires or even what I did with my paid time off was a bad thing. “You are selfish to want that” was what I was told.

Inevitably, I had learned to silence my own wants and desires for fear that I would step on the toes of those around me. I spent years planning my life around the needs and wants of others because that’s what a “good person” did. I quieted my goofiness and tried to make myself smaller to make others feel more comfortable. I found myself in situations and at events I did not want to be at because I was “a good person” and didn’t want to disappoint others. And in the end…. I had learned that I could not make everyone happy no matter what I did and my own mental health suffered as a result.

I learned that others were also being selfish by demanding so much from me…. maybe far more entitled than I even imagined.

I have learned over the last few years that a little bit of selfishness is a good thing. One cannot help others if they don’t step back and take some time filling their own soul. One cannot spread magic if they don’t have any left to give. Being a good person means having your own needs and wants fulfilled as you also help others. It’s YOUR own story to write… you just have to choose how to do it.

Voicing your true wants and needs is not being selfish.

Setting boundaries to protect yourself from being used as a doormat is not selfish.

Expecting that others recognize you have to step back and refill your own cup before helping them is not being selfish.

Having your own life to live and using what you have gained for yourself is not being selfish.

Filling your own needs before others’ wants is not being selfish.

Choosing to not help someone because it would only benefit them is not being selfish.

There is a time for selflessness and there is a time to be a little selfish. There are times when it is okay to be focused on ourselves instead of others around us. There are times when it is okay to choose something that benefits you as well as others.

Be selfless. But also learn to be selfish too.

Stay magical, friends.

Write YOUR own story.

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11 thoughts on “Selfishness”

  2. Quite right. It’s a narcissistic characteristic to tell people who maintain healthy boundaries that they’re being selfish, and those who do so are probably pretty darned selfish themselves. You’re perfectly right to maintain standards and protect yourself, so you should never feel like you should have ‘caved’. They want to guilt-trip you into doing so, and you shouldn’t do so. Treat those people with caution and hold the line. 🤔

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    1. I’m still learning to maintain healthy boundaries and deal with those who in the past have treated me like a doormat.

      I’m also recognizing my own selfish tendencies and those times I have felt entitled and am learning to not be that way in future cases.

      Thanks for the kind words.

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      1. You’re welcome. As the female of the species I was raised to always put others’ needs first, and it’s taken most of my life to put myself first. I still struggle with the urge to always help others, many of whom apparently feel no urge to return the favours. It’s a delicate balance between self-care and helping others, without going too far in either direction. Good luck with it. 😊

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      2. Thank you!

        And same on the observation. I’m expected to give more than I take…. and sometimes, I just don’t want to. Those who expect it then call me selfish for being this way. But then… selfishness is in the eye of the beholder.

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  3. 100 💯 % agree K. It’s actually not called being selfish, but being realistic to fulfill one’s needs first before helping others. My husband always gives the example of when air pressure drops in an airplane, they ask you to affix your own mask first before helping others.

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  4. From a recovering doormat….I completely feel this piece. It’s hard not to cave when faced that that reaction…it takes a lot of strength to continue to do what’s best for yourself. I love the list of “not selfish” and the reminder that we need to take care of ourselves, if we want to have anything left to give. Wonderfully written, K! 💞💞💞

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