I am an introvert. I always have been. Some of my inner circle have voiced their wishes that I’d learn to “outgrow” this trait, but it’s ingrained in me. It’s like expecting me to change my eye color or my height. It’s not going to happen.
At times, I am what one could call an extroverted introvert. I can act like a social butterfly, especially at the full time job. But it can be just that, an act, and it’s one I can’t sustain very long. Since I work in the customer service sector, I have honed that act and have become quite good at it, most days. But I can’t “people” every part of the day. It’s extremely exhausting and sometimes, I don’t have the energy to muster even a full day of peopling at work. But I muddle through.
I very much enjoy my solitude and often my own company. I enjoy the quiet time. I enjoy just having time to process my thoughts and just be. I need that time to completely recharge myself so I can face another day. It’s also my time to write and create.
Thankfully, I have a husband who understands this need for solitude. Even though he is very much an extrovert, the other half also needs to recharge at times. He also understands my need to have alone time, the time where I just sit at the computer or on our couch, reading or writing or staring into space as music blares on my speakers or through my headphones. Sometimes, I curl up with the elderly cat, who very much loves the cuddle time. It’s my time to just be. It’s my time to recharge my social battery.
I do enjoy spending some time with friends and such, but I also relish this quiet time. I actually crave it sometimes.
I sometimes hate meeting new people. It’s not that I hate making friends, it’s just I have to make small talk, which for me feels very awkward. I have been told in the past that I lack social skills, which makes me very anxious in some situations because I don’t know how to act. I don’t know what mask to put on. I don’t know how others might perceive me or what they want from me.
It doesn’t help that I talk with a slight lisp that sometimes only I pay attention to, which makes me slur my words. I also often talk too fast, because my mind is trying to catch up to the thoughts in my brain. I can get tongue-tied when I am put on the spot, because I haven’t had time to think about my answers and get nervous because my thoughts are then all over the place. It’s one of the reasons why I prefer to type out my words versus speak them. I can think about what I want to say and edit them before I hit send, publish, submit, etc. I recently reminded someone I am far more eloquent in the written word than I am a speaker.
The pandemic kind of reinforced this mindset in me, especially at the beginning. The world was told to stay home and I rejoiced. I could be myself a little more, since no one was around to remind me to talk at an appropriate volume and I didn’t call attention to myself with my goofy personality. I didn’t have to “act normal” and leave my personality inside a box. And now, sometimes I don’t know what “normal” is.
It makes some of the people in my social circles today scowl at me. I’ve been told to simultaneously “calm down” and “grow up.” But want to know something? I have learned to embrace that quirk I have.
I often tell people who invite me to do things that I will see if I can come. It’s not a yes, and it’s not a no. It’s more a “I need to see if my mindset on the day is able to accept the people involved.” Some have told me I need to learn to “outgrow” this trait, because “you need to learn to deal with every kind of situation.” What those people don’t seem to realize is that this is how I deal with those kinds of situations. I don’t have to constantly put myself into them if I don’t want to. Filling my calendar with all kinds of social things leaves me less time to recharge my battery. Some days at work, I am completely and utterly drained because I didn’t have the time I needed to just breathe. And since work is the singular most important aspect socially for me, it comes first, since well, I need to work to live. It’s just a part of life.
So sometimes, I trim out the social aspect. I text or email instead of call because while I want people to know what’s up in my life, I just don’t want to talk. I leave weekends open instead of jamming them full of plans because I know I’ll need to just have my down time. (Plus, if friends call saying “hey, we’re going here, wanna come?” I can say yes or no easier.) I skip in person church because I am overwhelmed or need to just rest.
But it’s okay. It’s okay because I say it is. I have given myself that permission. I am in charge of my own story, and right now, this is how it’s written. It is how I work my magic on my stories and in my life. I have learned I don’t need to surround myself with people all of the time to have fulfillment. I don’t need to outgrow my introverted nature. I need to just be me.
And so, I am.
Write your own story. Love big so you are remembered in the stories of others. Stay magical.
If you liked this blog post and wanted to see some of the fantasy works I have written, check out my Portals Series.
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And as always, #writeyourownstory
I’ve learned to embrace this part of my personality as I have learned to embrace a great deal about me. While I feel I still lack social skills, I am able to see when people need help. I am able to pen words that others find beautifully written. I have made people cry with my small gestures of friendship when they needed them the most and have helped others with their problems by offering perspectives they may not have thought of. I create things of beauty in my little sphere.
And yes, I over think. I am over-sensitive at times because of it, but I have learned that is a part of me too. After all, this is my story. This is what I am writing. This is what also helps me find the magic in the mundane and share it with the world.
If you liked this blog post and wanted to see some of the fantasy works I have written, check out my Portals Series.
If you are interested in my other online endeavors, check out the drop down menu above to see more.
And as always, #writeyourownstory
K. S. Wood Writes 